A Postcard from Hopeless Beach hanging in my office. "Artists must be sacrificed to their art. Like bees, they must put their lives into the sting they give." - Ralph Waldo Emerson (Sets for sale soon at modernorphandesigns.com)
Years ago I was going to help a girl friend write a book. We talked about it often between 2005 – 2008 and I was extremely excited. For a while in 2005 I identified myself as “the co-author of x’s pending book.” It filled me with accomplishment, desire and a drive to succeed. Numerous people could potentially read this book and the idea of nourishing not only a friend but my creative child was lucrative.
Needless to say it never happened despite many promises, plans and proclamations that I was the “perfect person for the job.” (Oh how my praises were sang from the balconies!) For a brief moment I didn’t know how to come to terms with this, but then it all seemed to fade away.
When you define yourself by someone else you glean nothing of yourself. When you place that burden upon your head you automatically become heavy with a needless weight.
Today I’ve released my first book (before she has), have a pending merchandise line and have signed my first national publishing contract. I’ve started to gain my own recognition, pay my dues and carve my own niche on the surface of the Earth. Before I was too ignorant to believe in myself by my own merits and it hurt me for many years. That wasn’t her fault and it wasn’t mine. I just didn’t know better. After the abrupt dissolution of the potential book deal I slowly regained my bearings and started incorporating new ways of thinking about myself, my creativity and how they connect in my life.
Launching this site was the first step in that process. A year ago Gossip [&] the Devil proper was born. I’ve conducted interviews with some of my favorite artists, people changing the game in the art world, written reviews and forged genuine ties across the globe. G[&]D has served as my main house for everything artistic and has virtually taken on a life of its own. That isn’t to say it came easy because I assure you, it didn’t and I will continue to fight for it until the end of G[&]D and on through the birth of something else. I believe in this, I believe in art, I believe in the belief of dreaming out loud, as gaudy and joyously as you can. I believe in experiencing every facet of life which is why you’ll find posts about pills, jetsets and regrets. About music, muses and musings on revenge. Those are some of MY facets, excavate some of yours. Sincerity is free, run through life with armfuls of it, with mouthfuls of honesty and always an ever educated eye on the mistakes of your past. Don’t give in and don’t define yourself by anyone else.
Found in the Red Line subway station, Chicago. "Broken pockets are / leaking poems on the ground / gather up the words." A haiku by a Columbia College student. (Columbia College has rejected me many times. One day though...)
To help me celebrate my creative birthday, editor Larry Ziman, who you should by now know from The Great American Poetry Show, called me a few nights ago. (If all goes well, and all of the poets get their proofs back on time, Volume 2 will be released in June 2010.) We went over some technical stuff for “Voyeur” and discussed poetry vs. poems, how many bad poets get published with the help of bad editors and my potential status as a demimonde (demimonde = a woman on the outskirts of respectable society, usually with many rich and well-to-do benefactors). He said he’d never had someone as excited as I was/am to be published in TGAPS. I told him Pushcart Prize nominations aside, I worked my ass off to secure a spot in Volume 2, submitting 40+ submissions before ONE was finally taken.
In further celebration it has been a busy month for me personally on a number of levels. Namely the installation of my new job with I absolutely love and am extremely grateful for. It’s been a long time since I’ve got to put my juices to creative use at a place of employment and it feels refreshing to be able to do that again. My new employers are some of the nicest, kindest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting and I think it’s no coincidence they came across at this point in my life when I needed some gentler guidance than I’d previously been getting. In fact some of the harshest violence was coming from myself, which was far from productive and likely contributed to some of the writer’s block I was experiencing.
One of the things hit hardest with this lack of creative flow has been the Billy series over at Troubadour 21. While it started out as a single piece of microfiction I somehow thought it’d be a great idea to morph it into an entire series. I’m not sad to say, but it’ll be coming to an end very soon as I’ve simply fallen out of love with the characters and the story, which represents a time in my life I’m trying to move past. I’d love to do another series one day as working with the short story editor Paquita Roth has been an absolute pleasure, but only after I’ve secured fresh characters and a desire to flesh them out over a series. For those of you still following, part IX, titled “Two Worlds Collide” has been posted here, with part X titled “Checkmate” to be posted soon after.
I think 2009 taught me about darkness more than anything. It was arguably one of the worst years of my life, though it brought me some wonderful things (my book, my collaboration with Natascha Artworx and the artists I’ve interviewed among them). People will leave you in life. They’ll love you and lie to you. You’ll do the same to someone else. You’ll regret. It’s part of the experience. You’ll wake up in the middle of the night and know what the darkness feels like, you’ll feel it seep into your very pores. You’ll step into the sunlight like it was your first time. You’ll make promises you will and won’t keep, many times to yourself. Take these things and DO something. That’s what I aim to continue to do in 2010.
